The Food That Made Me

Kids, money is limited, and you have a limited number of meals on Earth, so here is how to order from menus.

There are a few questions that you should be asking yourself:

What can’t I make myself?

How’s your health?

What is annoying to make?

What won’t be made incorrectly?

What season is it?

Does the menu feature any special ingredients?

What can’t I make myself?

This is important because most of the time, you shouldn’t be buying what you can make. I can bake my own chicken thighs, so why would I pay 13 bucks for it. Oh. You have special sauces that I haven’t tried before? Take my money, please.

How’s your health?

This depends on your life stage. I would say, the older you are, the healthier you should eat. So, before your 20s, there is something called metabolism that helps burn fat and calories and a lot more. That slows down as you grow older, so all of the sugar and fat you eat won’t burn as quickly.

And, I guess if you are really, really, really old, then you can just eat anything, because you are extremely close to dying. So, YOLO? YOLO was used when daddy was in high school, and it means you only live one. And, some people use it conservatively, and others use it liberally. So, it is YOLO, when would I get the chance to eat a silk worm? Versus, YOLO, so I’m going to drink all of the soda to my heart’s desire.

But, I digress. Daddy thinks that moderation is healthy. Try to eat as freshly made food as much as possible.

What is annoying to make?

Even though Daddy is a master fryer, I enjoy getting fried food when eating out because cleaning up frying oil is a pain. Also, anything that deals with flour is also a pain to clean. Dried flour on a cutting board after making pasta and bread is horrible. But I’m trying to learn to bake because the margins are higher here. Pick the thing that you don’t want to make yourself.

What won’t be made incorrectly?

Well, I think that there is some trial and error, and also some guessing here. You can ask them what they wouldn’t mess up on. You should probably change your word choice, though. But, in general, most places overcook their fish, shrimp, and chicken breast. Steak and pork, depending on the cut, have more leeway. Soups, stews, and fried rice are generally safe. People generally don’t stir-fry noodles well. Don’t order something if you can’t trust that they can make it well.

What are the specials?

Honestly, for the most part, these are the most appealing. The kitchen is generally either trying something new or bringing back hits that may not usually have as high of a profit margin. The chefs have usually spent more time recently testing the recipes to taste. If they are calling it their special, there is a higher chance that they get it right.

What season is it?

So, do you know what makes a great chef? Half of it is them using fresh ingredients. Strawberries taste sweeter. The seafood has more flavor. And, the asparagus will come out smelling wonderful and al dente. Don’t order corn in the winter. Trust me, you’ll thank me later.

Does the menu feature any special ingredients?

Marketing works on daddy. I just had to know how pink salt tastes on chips. Mushroom Taco. Will it Taco? There is a show called Good Mythical Morning that Uncle Butters and I love. They do a series called “Will It [insert the food.]” And, the combinations can get pretty insane and absurd. But, that is the thing about food. You never know how it tastes until you eat it. But, only food. Baby shampoo doesn’t taco. Also, the video was from a decade ago. They have since hired chefs who think of better combinations.

Ordering something with special ingredients gives you the chance to explore and expand your palate. Who knows what you have been missing out on? You may find your next favorite food.

Additional thoughts:

When you have kids and a spouse, it is awesome because you can order different things and share so that you guys can taste more things. If your significant other doesn’t want to share food with you, then they are probably not the person for you.

Drinks! Ok, I was going to encourage you to order water for the most part. But, this restaurant has a cool pineapple drink that you haven’t seen before. So…

One thing I love about eating is that most of the time I take a picture of your mommy and the food, and a picture of you guys. But, most of the time, I just save the pictures of you guys and not the food.