The Food That Made Me

Disclaimer: Grandma, probably you would want to skip this one. Niece #1, please ask your mommy before reading.

10/4/2025

Kids, sometimes you will be really fragile and the smallest things will make your mind collapse. You may have been through hours of therapy. You may have learned countless self-regulating methods. But, you can still mentally break down because of the smallest things.

So, in the morning one day I attempted to make tang yuan, small glutinous rice balls. Oh, they are delicious. Great for a cold night. It was only two ingredients. Supposedly, it should have been easy. Water + glutinous rice flour and then make it into a ball. Let it rest. Then, pinch off little balls and cook them in boiling water. Done.

BUT, the simple things are never that easy. (I’m making gnocchi tonight, so hopefully that goes better.) So, when I was mixing the water and flour it was too sticky. Then, after resting it, it was too dry. (But, maybe that was ok.) Then, I decided to wet my hands to knead it again. BAD IDEA. It became a glob of stickiness again. I just decided to throw it away. I felt defeated, but I went along with my day. No, this is not the fragile part. There’s more to the story!

I went to my sister’s place to start making cookies. The recipe is below. I am still unsure of the consistency. But, it was supposed to be drier. OH! And, I learned that if you turn the mixer to mover faster, then the clumps of butter and flour stuck in the whisk will fall out hence creating a more even mixture. So, I made the chocolate chip cookie mixture and rolled it out and chilled it in the refrigerator. Then, I waited for nieces #2 and 3 to come back from playing in the park. After 2 hours, they returned and we got to work. # 2 made, moons, dogs, lambs, numbers, ice cream cones, etc. But, one thing I didn’t account for was the leftover dough after the shapes were cut out. So, I rolled it out again. She would cut out more, I would roll it out more, until finally there was no dough wasted. It took about an hour longer than I expected. My time-blindness at work again.

After that I drove to pick up niece #1 because mommy asked me to. Honestly, I was pretty nervous the whole time as driving to a new place, as well as parking, always gets my anxiety going. But, I did it. I picked up the package and then I delivered her safe and sound. I got to play Sushi Go with her after we returned. It was a nice and relaxing time after a day of hard work. And, we enjoyed our yummy dog and butterfly-shaped cookies.

Ok, finally getting to the fragility part. That night, I was choosing to scrape out some old leftovers into the kitchen compost bin. I missed and then, out of frustration, I told mom to stop talking. She asked for me to apologize and so I did. A wave of emotions just crashed upon my body and froze me. I’m so stupid. Why can’t I even dispose leftovers properly? I just wanted to chuck it across the room and throw the whole bin away because I hate cleaning the compost bin. So, mommy told me that I should clean it tomorrow. While mommy was walking Emi, I was doing my devotional. I’m doing a spiritual practice called The Examen which looks like the following:

1. What am I grateful for today?
2. What am I ungrateful for today?
3. When did you feel God’s presence and love?

I’m thankful for your mommy in telling me to not let small things ruin my day. Which, at this chapter of my life, it is hard to not give them so much power.

The next day, strangely enough, I also felt the need to ask for prayer after church. It was with someone that I didn’t know too well, so I was a bit hesitant to share in the beginning. But, I poured out all my heart while my body was shaking. I shared that it has been a hard few months of a vicious cycle: depression, anxiety, and ADHD, and suicidal ideation- don’t worry that means that there is no plan. She prayed for me wonderfully. I felt a sense of peace and relief. She asked how her family can support me. I said I don’t know. A lot of times it just feels like a personal battle. There is power to transparency and openness, but at the same time friction with isolation.

Check out my post on Nothingness. Crazy. Some of these feelings have been continuing for a while.

Anyways, I hope that you guys will grow up to feel less fragile than I do. And, if not, it is ok because all will be ok. Mommy and Daddy and our families will be here for your fragile moments. We all have moments where everything comes crashing down. But, a life is to be lived, and lived with love.

P.S The gnocchi turned out pretty well. But, that’s a story for another time.