The Food That Made Me

8/9/2025

Disclaimer: Do you know what depression and a psychiatrist are? If not, you probably shouldn’t read on. Save this one for later, it is great.

Kids, there comes a time in your life when you don’t really want to eat and nothing really tastes like much. Daddy’s brain is like a race car engine, but with bicycle brakes. That is an analogy from Edward Hallowell’s ADHD book, which I’m not sure if he thought of it himself, but I should still cite him as the source. And my dad’s brain was the same. (A lot worse, actually) Your uncle would call him Curious George because he just wanders off.

I have my own ways of wandering. I love spending hours at grocery stores. I think it is because there is so much simulation with no agenda, so my brain goes mostly quiet. I can take all of the time to look up why bread flour is different from AP flour. I can see what kinds of ginger-flavored drinks there are and decide which is worth trying.

That’s why a song that I love is called I Am A Thoughtful Guy. I think about why my scrambled eggs are different every time. I think a lot about all of the dehumanizing injustices, pain, and suffering that are happening in the world. I think about being born in San Francisco and how I’m a probability point of just luck and grace. And, I think a lot about why Jesus, my family, and friends would love someone like me. And, I think a lot about whether I said the wrong things and made people uncomfortable.

With a race car brain, my brain races through thoughts that make me spiral and anxious. I think I started having depressive episodes in high school. It may have been earlier than that, but I may have blocked it all out with all of the Pokémon that I played. In college, I struggled because it lacked structure. There were days that I skipped meals because I felt like eating nothing. In graduate school, I told people that I was just prone to minor depression. It was also easier to justify not eating as much because of the heat and being a poor graduate student. Your mommy said that there is no minor. The diagnosis is just major depression. Anxiety, major depression, and ADHD are a combo that I am slowly coming to grips with. I have been fighting these demons (figurative and literal) since I was a child. Poor young Jonathan. That was a major component of his anger. He did not have the self-awareness of why his mind had all of these feelings. It has been a slow journey of gaining more tools to both understand myself and manage my emotions.

I completed an urgent request for my boss in the morning. It was pretty simple and straightforward. I spent the rest of the morning just staring at the computer. I knew what I needed to do. But, my brain and mind were just sad. Reading words and numbers just floated away from my mind. My brain was again in a state of void. I didn’t get laid off. But why? What is the meaning of life? My favorite verse in the bible is Ecclesiastes 3:20, “All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return.” Why strive and achieve when all will turn to dust? There is a lyric in this song called Numb Little Bug that I love: “I don’t feel a single thing…Do you ever get a little bit tired of life? Like you’re not really happy, but you don’t wanna die. Like you’re hanging by a thread, but you gotta survive. Cause you gotta survive. Like your body’s in the room, but you’re not really there.” Why is life such a drag?

Depression not only makes you feel empty, but sometimes makes you lose your appetite. So, Mommy and I went on a walk with Emi where we bought an acai bowl called the Warrior Blend: Passionate Mango, Tropical Spirulina, and Blue Butterfly Pea Flower Chia Pudding. Choco Churro Granola, Mango, Blueberries, Banana, Mulberries, Shredded Coconut, and Date Honey. I was hesitant. It was expensive but just what I needed on a hot summer day. I was able to get out of my hopelessness and enjoy the soothing coldness of fruit, ice blends, and chai pudding.

But, the hope ended there. So, about midafternoon, my boss told me that I made a mistake. I was so fixated on providing numbers that I kept missing two important words. Hence, I pulled the numbers for the wrong group. Crap. She sent the numbers to a couple of levels up. In my emptiness, my mind broke down even more. Not only was my mind a void, but I once again had confirmation that I am bad at my job. I had made her look really bad. I cried while lying on the sofa while your mommy stroked my hair. There is a motto above my desk that says, “Always remember you are braver than you believe and stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.” Your mommy makes me say it a lot of times when I feel self-defeated. I am my worst enemy and worst critic.

I managed the courage to call Auntie Blueberry Muffin. Some background first. She is my co-worker and friend of 7 years. If it weren’t as taboo, I would have made her a groomswoman. She is the most caring, thoughtful, and happy person ever. She makes origami birthday cards for all of her co-workers, she is the most patient when answering my frantic questions for work, she is friends with basically everyone in the office of 20+, and she is loved and adored by everyone because of her kind and happy spirit. If she is frustrated and mad, you would have had to cross a pretty high threshold.

Anyways, back to the call. I told her my mistake and she just brushed it off and says that is a really small mistake. She gave me examples of mistakes that she has made. And, she kept reiterating that it is OK. After maybe 3-4 rounds of that, I finally caved and drank the Kool-Aid. Maybe it isn’t as bad as I think. I’ll know on Monday. She suggested going out to eat tonight. But, most times I do wonder if Auntie Blueberry Muffin understands my pain. Woe is me. I am the worst. How can she say that I’m more competent than I think of myself? I made such a small mistake even after triple-checking the numbers.

Later, we went to downtown Mountain View and strolled around to find a place to eat. We bumped into a couple from church and chatted for a little while. Oh, it was such a joy to watch their sixteen-month-old running around. We picked a Chinese place that had a soft opening. I was excited to see the menu because there was a lot of spicy, sour, fried, strong flavored dishes. But, it probably wasn’t the best choice for your mommy because she enjoys the softer flavor and less oily Cantonese style of cooking. I loved just spending the time to enjoy food and sitting outside and analyzing with your mommy what the rating of each dish should be. Their stinky tofu is pretty good. But, the pig ears were a little lacking because they didn’t take the time to slice them thinly enough. The lava buns were fried well, but not long enough, and as a result, the center was still a little icy cold. The cold cucumbers had a nice flavor, though. Also, the main winner of the night was the free vanilla soft serve, which mommy said it isn’t really a fair comparision. But, I think that they should have made the other dishes as delicious.

Yesterday was a sad day. Today, I was volunteering at Hope’s Corner, and I was so stressed out by not knowing if I was rolling up the paper bags for lunches tidy enough for the guests. And, I was even more stressed out putting chicken thighs onto plates. Am I scooping enough chicken? Am I being fair? It is so hard because the chicken aren’t all the same size. Crap. Someone complained. I felt that my eyes, judgment, and brain betrayed me. I just put my head down and put two pieces onto each plate and hurried to finish the neverending line. But your mommy was right. I can stress myself out about anything, including rolling up paper bags and scooping chicken. Did I enjoy today? I’m not sure. I did the work.

And, at lunch after a golf lesson with Uncle Coquette, we ate pizza at the Slice House, and I bought myself another acai bowl because it was a super hot day and I was melting. And, Uncle Coquette and I took 1.5 hours to drive and wait in line for his favorite milk tea.

At dinner, I made popcorn chicken, sizzling rice soup, and shaved ice with peaches. Thank you to your mommy for helping me fry everything because I would have been freaking out with the timing if I had to do everything alone. Everyone really enjoyed everything. Numbers 2 and 3 even ate the mushrooms in the soup! I think Number 1 did too. The popcorn chicken is always a hit. And, I successfully executed the shaved milk ice, although it melted a lot faster than I wanted it to. I doubt that your mommy will allow me to buy a shaved ice machine. Maybe I’ll use the money to buy a golf club instead.

Sometimes you may want to eat nothing. Your brain will feel nothing, and you want to do nothing. Daddy will be there to listen to you guys because Daddy empathizes. I pray that there will be people in your life that would help you get out of that cycle. Because there is always something wonderful to eat out there. Maybe it is something cold, or maybe you just need to share it with a loved one.