The Food That Made Me

1/7/2026

Kids, Child #1 was born on 1/4/2026, six weeks early. I can’t really express the range of emotions that I currently feel. It ranges from joy to horror. Her Chinese middle name, as my #2 Niece called her, is “Reading Beauty.”

I have a 4-pound child now. She weighs less than a 5-pound dumbbell. Unlike a dumbbell, she is fragile. She makes my heart in awe every time that I see her. Her tiny little fingers wrapped around my pointer finger. I am filled with joy. I have been doing TMS or Transcranial Magnetic Simulation, aka electric shock therapy, for my brain to make me happier. I have a few posts in the works that I haven’t been able to finish. Hopefully, one day, I can share more about that with you guys. Like I told your mom, the level of depression has been uncharted territory for me. I had to track my level of depression every single session, and most of the time, they have been 8s and 9s, which means extremely depressed. The day that she was born was my only 1. And since she was born, I have kept at 2s. Her existence makes me overjoyed.

So, the horror part. She has not cried yet. Do I have a chill baby, or is she underdeveloped? All of the nurses love her and are the best high end babysitters, how will I survive without them? How will I have the time to change the diapers and do my job? How will I be able to bring her to places, and what if the bathrooms are not child-friendly? What if I drive home with the baby, and I crash the car? What if I accidentally choke her while feeding her?

As Uncle Butters says, that checks out. My friend understands that my brain immediately asks a million what-if and how questions. I’m very good at catastrophizing. I’m also very good at risk management. There is a very fine line between the two. I have learned from my coach to feel the energy of my thoughts. Is it positive or is it negative? And, what is the truthfulness of my thoughts? Honestly, I haven’t made peace with these thoughts yet. The hows and what ifs. I only know that I can confront every moment one at a time.

So on a side note, I made farro and asparagus, with Italian sausage tonight. This made me happy because I haven’t tried something new in quite a while. I made it so that it just used one pot and with minimal clean up. My mother-in-law liked it, so that was an extra plus. One thing I’m unsure of is how my culinary adventures will be changing. Maybe I’ll perfect the art of baking chicken. Or, maybe I’ll be making a lot more one-pot meals. Or, maybe I’ll continue going through my ongoing list of recipes to try. Maybe there will be a happy medium.